Igor's Busy Day/Transcript

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Narrator: Deep in the heart of the Transylvanian alps, someone sobs. This mawkish, miasmic and maleficent mists that surround that surround Castle Duckula can only partially muffle these heart-wrenching cries of anguish. [As the shot tracks to the castle, familiar sobs from Igor can be heard] Let us approach to discover the origin of this despairing dolefulness.

Igor: [O/S] I despair, Nanny. [The scene fades to him in the kitchen with Nanny, sitting on a chair] Where have I gone wrong? Oh, why can't the master be more macabre, more malevolent, more malicious? It's not as if I haven't tried. I have tried, haven't I? You know I have tried, don't you, Nanny?

Nanny: Oh, yes, Mr. Igor, you're very trying.

[They leave the kitchen and stroll through the hallway]

Igor: I don't know how much more of his total lack of evildoing I can take. For instance, do you know what I found the young master doing yesterday afternoon?

Nanny: No. What?

Igor: [indignantly pointing to the room downstairs] He was using the bone crusher in the torture chamber...

Nanny: Never!

Igor:...to press flowers!

Nanny: Oh, bless 'im. Oh, pardon my French, Mr. Igor.

Igor: I sometimes find myself longing for the old days, Nanny. [He and Nanny enter another room] Remember the old days?

Nanny: Oh yes. When I was a little girl I used to crush my own flowers, too.

Igor: Not that, Nanny. Do you remember when it would be a foul stormy night, with the lightning flashing and the rain streaming down in bucketfuls? And the master... well, that would be the young master's great grandfather. Or was it great great grandfather? No, no, no... At the height of the storm, there will be a knocking at the door.

Nanny: Like this?

[She demonstrates by accidentally clobbering the door they came through down with one hand]

Igor: Not unlike that, Nanny, but perhaps a little less forceful. Yes, here's a knocking at the door. The master would let me open it. And there would stand, soaked to the skin, a nice normal young couple whose carriage has shed a wheel or broken an axle.

Nanny: Oh, yes, I remember. They'd ask for shelter. And the master would say, "Prepare the blue room, Nanny. We have guests." Oh, he was kind-hearted, was the master.

Igor: [laughing maliciously] That's the last the world would ever see of them.

Nanny: I wonder what became of them

Igor: [still laughing] Yes, quite.

[Outside the castle, a young couple like the one Igor described are out in the rain by a broken down car. Scott, a tall, broad-shouldered fellow with a flattop, is trying to fix the engine while Laura, a blonde in a pink dress, stands on the other side]

Scott: Oh, gosh darn.

Laura: Oh, Scott, I hate it when you curse like that.

Scott: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, honey. It's just this gosh darned...

Laura: Scott!

Scott: Sorry, honey, this, this blankety blank Eastern European jalopy's broken down.

Laura: I wonder why we stopped. Can you fix it, Scott?

Scott: I don't know, honey. It sounded to me like the wernit phlange lost contact with the countercatheter.

Laura: What does that mean?

Scott: Well, you lose traction on the main alternating piston thermal unit.

Laura: And that means...?

Scott: Honey, we've broken down.

[At the Teeth and Jugular inn, villagers sing]

Villagers: Three men went to kill, went to kill the vampire, three men, two men, one man down, went to kill the vampire. Four men went to kill, went to kill the vam...

[Their revelry is interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Scott and Laura stand in the entrance]

Scott: Hi.

First Villager: Hi?

Second Villager: How high?

Bartender: About five foot eight in wet socks, by the looks of him.

Scott: No, I mean, that is, uh, hello.

First Villager: Oh, so it's hello now, is it?

Second Villager: Our car's broken down on our way yonder?

Third Villager: And have you got a room for the night?

Scott: Hey, now that's what I call a coincidence! That's exactly what's happened!

Laura: And if you do have a room for the night...

Bartender: Well, we ain't.

Scott: You ain't? I-I mean don't?

Bartender: Nope.

Laura: But this is an inn?

First Villager: Argh. The Teeth and Jugular.

Scott: Quaint.

Bartender: Oh, we're full up, ain't we?

First Villager: Werewolves, you see.

Laura: Werewolves?!

Fourth Villager: Oh-arghh, come the glorious twelfth, you hear's nothing but the twang of the crossbow and the 'owl of the werewolf.

First Villager: Argh.

Scott: Argh. I-I-I mean, I see. Well, what do you suggest we do?

Bartender: Well, I got two suggestions.

Scott: Oh, good.

Bartender: You either sleep in your car...

Laura: Oh no!

Bartender: Go up to the castle on the 'ill.

Laura: Castle?