Igor's Busy Day/Transcript

Transcript

<infobox> <title source="name"><default>Igor's Busy Day/Transcript</default></title> <image source="image"/> <label>Production #</label> <label>Producer(s)</label> <label>Story by</label> <label>Script</label> <label>Directed by</label> <label>IMDb Ref</label> <label>Episode</label> <label>Original air date</label> <label>Previous Story</label> <label>Next Story</label> <label></label><default>Source</default> </infobox>

Narrator: Deep in the heart of the Transylvanian alps, someone sobs. This mawkish, miasmic and maleficent mists that surround that surround Castle Duckula can only partially muffle these heart-wrenching cries of anguish. (As the shot tracks to the castle, familiar sobs from Igor can be heard) Let us approach to discover the origin of this despairing dolefulness.
Igor: (O/S) I despair, Nanny. (The scene fades to him in the kitchen with Nanny, sitting on a chair) Where have I gone wrong? Oh, why can't the master be more macabre, more malevolent, more malicious? It's not as if I haven't tried. I have tried, haven't I? You know I have tried, don't you, Nanny?
Nanny: Oh, yes, Mr. Igor, you're very trying.
(They leave the kitchen and stroll through the hallway)
Igor: I don't know how much more of his total lack of evildoing I can take. For instance, do you know what I found the young master doing yesterday afternoon?
Nanny: No. What?
Igor* (indignantly pointing to the room downstairs) He was using the bone crusher in the torture chamber...
Nanny: Never!
Igor:...to press flowers!
Nanny: Oh, bless 'im. (Igor is offended by Nanny's harmless exclamation) Oh, pardon my French, Mr. Igor.
Igor: I sometimes find myself longing for the old days, Nanny. (He and Nanny enter another room) Remember the old days?
Nanny: Oh yes. When I was a little girl I used to crush my own flowers, too.
Igor: Not that, Nanny. Do you remember when it would be a foul stormy night, with the lightning flashing and the rain streaming down in bucketfuls? And the master... well, that would be the young master's great grandfather. Or was it great great grandfather? No, no, no... At the height of the storm, there will be a knocking at the door.
Nanny: Like this?
(She demonstrates by accidentally clobbering the door they came through down with one hand)
Igor: Not unlike that, Nanny, but perhaps a little less forceful. Yes, here's a knocking at the door. The master would let me open it. And there would stand, soaked to the skin, a nice normal young couple whose carriage has shed a wheel or broken an axle.
Nanny: Oh, yes, I remember. They'd ask for shelter. And the master would say, "Prepare the blue room, Nanny. We have guests." Oh, he was kind-hearted, was the master.
Igor: (laughing maliciously) That's the last the world would ever see of them.
Nanny: I wonder what became of them
Igor: (still laughing) Yes, quite.
(Outside the castle, a young couple like the one Igor described are out in the rain by a broken down car. Scott, a tall, broad-shouldered fellow with a flattop, is trying to fix the engine while Laura, a blonde in a pink dress, stands on the other side)
Scott: Oh, gosh darn.
Laura: Oh, Scott, I hate it when you curse like that.
Scott: Oh, gee, I'm sorry, honey. It's just this gosh darned...
Laura: Scott!
Scott: Sorry, honey, this, this blankety blank Eastern European jalopy's broken down.
Laura: I wonder why we stopped. Can you fix it, Scott?
Scott: I don't know, honey. It sounded to me like the wernit phlange lost contact with the countercatheter.
Laura: What does that mean?
Scott: Well, you lose traction on the main alternating piston thermal unit.
Laura: And that means...?
Scott: Honey, we've broken down.
(At the Teeth and Jugular inn, villagers sing)
Villagers: Three men went to kill, went to kill the vampire, three men, two men, one man down, went to kill the vampire. Four men went to kill, went to kill the vam...
(Their revelry is interrupted by the sound of the door opening. Scott and Laura stand in the entrance)
Scott: Hi.
First Villager: Hi?
Second Villager: How high?
Bartender: About five foot eight in wet socks, by the looks of him.
Scott: No, I mean, that is, uh, hello.
First Villager: Oh, so it's hello now, is it?
Second Villager: Our car's broken down on our way yonder?
Third Villager: And have you got a room for the night?
Scott: Hey, now that's what I call a coincidence! That's exactly what's happened!
Laura: And if you do have a room for the night...
Bartender: Well, we ain't.
Scott: You ain't? I-I mean don't?
Bartender: Nope.
Laura: But this is an inn?
First Villager: Argh. The Teeth and Jugular.
Scott: Quaint.
Bartender: Oh, we're full up, ain't we?
First Villager: Werewolves, you see.
Laura: Werewolves?!
Fourth Villager: Oh-arghh, come the glorious twelfth, you hear's nothing but the twang of the crossbow and the 'owl of the werewolf.
First Villager: Argh.
Scott: Argh. I-I-I mean, I see. Well, what do you suggest we do?
Bartender: Well, I got two suggestions.
Scott: Oh, good.
Bartender: You either sleep in your car...
Laura: Oh no!
Bartender: Go up to the castle on the 'ill.
Laura: Castle?
Bartender: I mean... I means 'otel.
Scott: Hotel?
Bartender: Argh. That's the 'otel. On the 'ill back there.
Scott: Up there?
Villagers: Aargh.
Laura: Up there?
Villagers: Aargh.
Scott: Well, thanks a lot for all your help.
First Villager: It were nothing. Nothing of it.
Laura: Goodbye.
Bartender: Goodbye. (Scott and Laura leave the inn) Right, now where were we, lads?!
First Villager: Ooh-argh, two, three, four!
Villagers: Five men went to kill, went to kill the vampire...
(At Castle Duckula, the couple stand at the entrance)
Scott: (nervously) Well, honey, here we are.
Laura: Oh, Scott. Do you think it's gonna be okay? It looks kind of spooky to me.
Scott: Oh, honey, we're in Transylvania. Everything looks spooky in Transylvania.
Laura: I guess so.
(Scott presses the knocker, which makes a quaint, harmless sounding doorbell noise that your grandparents would have)
Scott: Huh. Some knocker, huh?
(From inside comes the sound of multiple locks being unlocked. Igor opens the door and peers out)
Igor: (sullenly) Not today, thank you. (He shuts the door and starts to lock it when he realises that these aren't salespeople but his next prey)
Scott: (outraged) Hey! Hey, what is this?
Igor: (opening the door and greeting the couple with feigned hospitality) Welcome! Welcome!
Scott: That's more like it. Are you the Maitre D?
Igor: (confused) Maitre D?
Scott: The Maitre D Hotel. This is a hotel, ain't it?
Igor: A hotel? Why I... yes. Of course. A hotel. What a splendid idea.
Scott: You okay?
Igor: I haven't felt so good in years, sir. What a pleasure it is to see you. Do come in, do come in. Nanny! Nanny!
Nanny: (O/S) Ooh, coming, Mr. Igor. Coming. (She crashes through the door, dragging a grinder with her that's now sticking halfway through it) Oopsy-daisy! Oh, silly me. I forgot I was doing some mangling when you called, Mr. Igor. I'm afraid I opened the door with it.
Igor: Never mind, Nanny. We have company.
Nanny: Ooh, that's nice.
Igor: Yes, Nanny. (aside, to the couple) Nanny's the chambermaid, sir, madam. She'll take your bags and show you to your...
Duckula: What's all the noise?! Nanny, what have you damaged, destroyed, demolished and... (Without skipping a beat, he notices the couple) ... Delighted to make your acquaintance, how are you and who are you?
Scott: Well, my name's Scott, and this is my fiancée Laura.
Duckula: (kissing Laura's hand) Charming.
Laura: Oh, you.
Duckula: And what happy stroke of fate brings you to this godforsaken corner of the globe?
Scott: Well, you see, we're touring Lower Transylvania and our car broke down on the highway back there. Anyway, the locals very kindly directed us up here.
Duckula: (surprised) They did? They did? I wonder why?
Scott: Oh no. Oh, don't say you're full, too. Your Maitre D...
Duckula: Maitre D?
Igor: I think he means me, sir.
Scott: He seemed to imply that you had rooms.
Duckula: Rooms? Rooms? Oh, we've got rooms, all right! Well, we've got stacks of rooms. The old place is absolutely stuffed with rooms. Rooms! (He runs around the spacious castle to demonstrate) I mean, you can't go anywhere without going through a room!
Laura: Well, do you think you'll be able to put us up for the night?
Duckula: Now that's what I call a good idea!
Scott: I can see we're going to have a real good idea, Mr...
Duckula: (pedantically, under his breath) Count...
Scott: Mr. Count. A real swell time.
(A wicked smile crosses Igor's face. Later, in the hallway, he stands by a statue)
Igor: (chuckling) Yes. If my memory serves me right, the beak on this statue is the secret device which activates the falling chandelier. And this... (He moves a picture out of the way to reveal a hole looking into the other room) Drat. This spy hole is blocked. (He moves another one out of the way) Ah. Perfect. Yes. Just as soon as they're under the chandelier, I press the beak. (He reaches for the statue but only touches empty air) I press the... (He looks over and sees that the statue is out of his reach) Oh, drat again. I suppose I should have to solicit Nanny's help. (Later, Igor has just finished giving Nanny the instructions) Now, have you got that, Nanny?
Nanny: Yes. When you press my beak, I give you the word.
Igor: D'ohh!
Nanny: Now then, what was the word?
Igor: (frustrated) Nanny, you've got it the wrong way around!
Nanny: What, my beak? 'Ere, I'd think you to keep a civil tongue in your head, Mr. Igor, if you don't mind. I may not be a great beauty, but...
Igor: (tactfully) No, no, I'm not casting dispersions on your facial arrangement.
Nanny: Distortions? Where?
Igor: Nanny, just listen.
Nanny: All right, Mr. Igor.
Igor: When I give you the word, you press the beak. Get it?
Nanny: Yes.
Igor: Got it?
Nanny: Yes.
Igor: Good.
(On the other side of the wall, Duckula is giving Scott and Laura a tour)
Duckula: And this is the long gallery. So called because it is, well, long.
Scott: It sure is.
Laura: Oh, Scott. Just look at that chandelier! It's just so antique.
Duckula: It is! It is, as you so rightly pointed out, antique. Yes, this chandelier was presented to the sixth Count by His Majesty King Otto of Bratislavia. Or was that King Bratislavia of Otto. I could never remember that.
Igor: Now!
Nanny: Yes?
Igor: Now, Nanny! Now!
Nanny: Yes? Now what?
Igor: Hit it!
Nanny: Hit what?
Igor: The beak, Nanny! Hit the beak!
Nanny: Are you sure?
Igor: Of course I'm sure. Hit it!
Nanny: (plodding towards Igor) Oh, all right, Mr. Igor.
(In the hallway, Duckula and the couple are still admiring the chandelier)
Scott: Well, it certainly is impressive. Yes sir, that's what I call a chandelier.
Laura: We've got nothing like that back in Tuscaloosa.
Duckula: (modestly) A small thing, but mine own. Now, allow me to show you... (From outside comes a loud thump and Igor screaming in pain) ... the library.
Laura: What's that?
Duckula: The library? It's a room full of books and stuff.
Laura: No, I know what a library is.
Scott: We have one of those in Tuscaloosa.
Duckula: Oh, really?
Laura: I meant, what was that noise?
Duckula: Noise? (He listens for the noise) I can't hear anything.
Laura: It's gone now.
Duckula: Oh, good. Now, the library.
(Out in the hallway, Igor nurses his bruised beak)
Igor: I didn't mean my beak, Nanny.
Nanny: Well, you should have said so, shouldn't you?
Igor: But Nanny, I, I made it perfectly clear. I... Oh, never mind. I imagine my beak will feel infinitely better when I entertain them with a few tricks in the library.
(In the library, Scott reads a book)
Scott: Lycanthropy for beginners?
Laura: Ooh, what's lycanthropy?
Duckula: Lycanthropy? It's ability to turn yourself into a werewolf. You know? You know werewolves?
Laura: Werewolves?
Scott: Werewolves. Huh! Superstitious nonsense.
Duckula: Absolutely. Pish! Not to say, tosh!
Laura: Oh. G-good.
Duckula: Most of this library is the collection of my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather, the fifth Count...
Laura: So this hotel is sort of a family business?
Duckula: Yes. That hotel.
Laura: Oh. That's nice. I think the family is so important. I come from a large family myself, you know.
Duckula: (politely) Oh. No. Oh, how nice.
(Meanwhile Scott is perusing the volumes)
Scott: "Build your own torture chamber"?
Laura: Oh. How icky.
Duckula: Yeah, that's my great, great, great, great, great, great, great, great grandfather for you. Always one for a laugh.
Scott: "Demonology: A Step-By-Step Primer"
Duckula: Demonology! What a joker!
Scott: "The Modern Ghoul's Handbook"?
Duckula: Ghoul's handbook!
Scott: "Vampirism in Three Easy Stages"!
Duckula: (still feigning skepticism) Vampires!
Laura: Vampires?!
Scott: Oh, it's okay, honey. There's no such thing as ghouls, demons, werewolves or vampires. Isn't that right, Mr. Count?
Duckula: Oh, absolutely. I mean, especially not vampires. Oh, dear no. The very idea!
Laura: Oh, good. Scott's so down to earth, Mr. Count. He's a mathematician, you know.
Duckula: Really? A mathe-mathe-mathe-mathe-mathe-mathe... A mathe-mathe-mathe-mathe-mathe... A mathematician?
Scott: That's right. Hey, you wanna know something?
Duckula: No, not really. What's that?
Scott: I've calculated and memorized pi to fifteen thousand places.
Duckula: Fifteen? Fifteen thousand?
Scott: Fifteen thousand.
Duckula: Wow. That's incredible.
Scott: Yeah, it is pretty neat.
Duckula: Yeah. Offhand, I can only think of four places for a pie: in the icebox, in the oven, in my mouth and in my stomach. Oh, yummy. What sort of pie is it? Pizza, pecan, pumpkin or pull the other one it plays Dixie?
Scott: No, no, no, Mr. Count, not that sort of pie. Pi! It's a symbol representing the ratio of the circumference of a circle to the diameter.
Duckula: Really?
Scott: Yeah. It's sometimes represented as 22 over 7, but that's wildly inaccurate.
Duckula: (sarcastically) Fascinating.
Scott: So I've calculated it to 15,000 decimal places.
Duckula: (annoyed) Memorized it, too? How great.
Scott: Isn't it? You wanna hear it?
Duckula: No! No. No, that is, uh, there's lots more of the castle to see!
Scott: Here goes. 3.1415978345...
Duckula: (pulling in vain on Scott's jersey to get him to move) Well, that really is most interesting, but...
Laura: Oh, it's no use trying to talk to him now. He goes into a sort of trance when he's remembering pi.
Duckula: He does?
Laura: Uh-huh.
Duckula: How long does it take?
Laura: Oh, a day or two.
Duckula: What?! A day or two?! Oh, no.
(By the bookcase at the other end of the room, Igor stands and watches)
Igor: Perfect. They're standing on the trap door. Yes. I just have to give this book a little tug towards me, and they'll be plunged headlong into the werewolf pit from whose maw no traveler returns!
(He tugs the book and the bookcase swivels, pushing him along with it)
Laura: What? What? What was that?
Duckula: What was what?
Laura: I thought I saw some of those shelves turn round.
Duckula: Really? Oh, must have been a trick of the light or something.
Laura: Oh. Oh, good.
(Igor squeezes himself past the rotating bookshelf)
Igor: Wrong book. Ah, but wait. My luck is in. They're still in position. (He reaches for the right book) Ah. It must be this book. (He pulls on it and the trap door beneath them doesn't budge)
Scott: ... 291...
Igor: Curses! (He tugs on the book again and again.)
Scott: ... 3497...
(The trap door must be jammed.)
Duckula: Can he be moved while he's counting?
Laura: Oh yes. He can walk and everything. He just can't hear you.
Duckula: Can't hear me? Oh yes, I see.
Scott: ... 47325368539217...
Duckula: I suggest we get freshened up and then we have something to eat.
(They leave the library)
Igor: Curses. (Like an avian Wile E. Coyote, he trudges angrily to the trap door and first stomps on it in frustration, then jumps up and down on it. The trap door gives way and Igor plunges into the pit below) Down, Towser! Down, I say! Towser! Evil! Evil!
(At the cuckoo clock...)
Sviatislav: I don't know, what do you get if you cross a butler with a werewolf?
Dmitri: Oh, you've got an aching head.
Sviatislav: You've got an aching head if you cross a butler with a werewolf?
Dmitri: Oh, Sviatislav, you've got an aching head if you're hit over it with a mallet!
(Back in the hallway leading to the long gallery, Nanny walks along, dismayed)
Nanny: I still can't make out why Mr. Igor was so cross with me. He told me to hit the beak and I hit it. (It dawns on her that he meant the beak on the statue) Ohh... Maybe he meant this beak!
Igor: (standing beneath the chandelier he meant to drop on the couple) Dinner is... (Nanny hits the beak on the statue and the chandelier crushes Igor) ... Served.
(At the dinner table, Scott is still counting and Laura is talking Duckula's ear off)
Scott: ... 03198...
Laura: ... And so that's when I met Scott. He was on the college math team.
Duckula: (bored) You do surprise me.
Laura: All the other girls went for the hunky football player types, but not me.
Duckula: (stacking fruit on his mashed potatoes) Oh, not you?
Laura: I like a man with charm, wit, intelligence and sophistication.
Duckula: ... The ability to bore people witless?
Laura: That's what Papa said the first time he met Scott. He said, "You hang onto that boy, he's got sophistication." You know the first thing he said to Mommy?
Duckula: No, go on, surprise me.
Laura: He said, "You know, ma'am, I can see where Laura gets her good looks from."
Duckula: Oh, the old (unintelligible) routine, huh? (He flicks a pea at Scott, but it misses his mouth and hits the side of his head)
Laura: "You must be an interior designer. You have such a beautiful home." Mommy was hooked.
Duckula: (sculpting a castle out of his mashed potatoes) What was she, a trout?
Laura: Oh, and he just charmed his way into the hearts of my family. I have a large family. I have three sisters and two brothers. I have seventeen aunts. There's Auntie Phyllis; she's a little advanced in her years now, poor her, and there's Auntie Laura. I'm named after her, you know. And then there's little Wilbur. He's Uncle Bob's little boy.
Duckula: Oh, so Bob's your uncle, eh?
Laura: Uh-huh. Oh, and I've got four nieces, too.
Duckula: Oh, good, that's really made my day.
Laura: There's little Emily. She's just three and cute as a button. (On the other end of the table, Igor and Nanny have gone to sleep.) You know what she said the other day?
Duckula: Well, strange as this may seem, no.
Laura: She said, "Auntie Lulu", that's what she calls me... (Later, Laura is still talking, Scott is still counting, and Duckula dozes in his dinner) ... And that's my family. Oh, I haven't been boring you, Mr. Count.
Duckula: (waking with a start) Hmm? Bored? Me? Bored? The very idea! I can't remember when I've had a more stimulating conversation.
Laura: Oh good. Well, it's been a long day, and I think it's time for Scott and me to turn in for the night.
Duckula: Thank goodness. I mean, good idea! I feel quite exhausted myself.
(Scott and Laura approach the sleeping staff at the end of the table. Igor and Nanny wake up as Laura addresses them)
Laura: Oh, and thank you, Igor, Nanny. That was a charming meal.
Igor: (fastidiously) Thank you, ma'am. (Under his breath) I personally would have enjoyed it more, had Nanny not spilled the poisoned soup.
(Later, Igor is standing in a bedroom. The bed has a canopy with spikes on the inside like an iron maiden)
Igor: We used to have some fun with this, the master and me. A few turns of the handle, and the canopy above their bed would descend and squash them to jelly. (He prepares to turn the handle) Perfect. (He waggles his eyebrows at the fourth wall, then tries to turn the handle, which is too heavy for him. He sees Nanny and backs against the gears, blocking them) Ah. I just want you to turn that handle, Nanny.
Nanny: What for, Mr. Igor?
Igor: Exercise, Nanny.
Nanny: Oh, yes.
Igor: Off you go, Nanny. (Nanny turns the crank. Igor's coat gets caught in the gears and he is dragged into the mechanism) No! No! No, no, no! Stop, Nanny! Stop!
Nanny: Pardon?
Igor: Stop, Nanny!
(Nanny stops turning the handle and turns to see Igor wedged between the cogs)
Nanny: Oh, Mr. Igor! You and your games!
Igor: Get me out! Get me out! Please!
(The next morning, Scott and Laura are preparing to leave)